I really enjoyed the way you told that story. I couldn't particularly relate to the subject matter, but the characters felt very tangible.
I wasn't a huge fan of the time skips, but it served the narrative flow well. You managed to flesh out the relationships between the characters nicely (I especially enjoyed the part about the paused vortex queen and Ferris' alternate voice) and I felt like it could have lead to some climactic scene between Sam, Kyle, and Ferris.
Great exercise in writing!
It's interesting you say it was hard to relate, because I actually wrote the theme around a subject I thought would be easier for the average person to digest. The underlying "point" of the story is about someone who belongs to a minority group that doesn't feel connected to other people even within that same minority. Homosexuality was really just an arbitrary costume that the story put on to carry that idea.
The time skips were mainly a product of revealing information when it became relevant. It's pretty common for me to get frustrated in the exposition of short stories because I don't see why a lot of the information is useful, so I wanted to take a greedy algorithm-esque approach and wait until the reader had a reason to understand something before delving into it. This is the only story I've written that has such an erratic style, but I'm really happy with how it turned out.
Sam and Ferris meeting is something I never considered at all. Even though Kyle alludes to it in the beginning, it never made sense to introduce them to each other, mainly because I never imagined Kyle and Ferris ever being close enough for the latter to get acquainted with his family.
This is fire!
Thanks! You might like the game I did this for as well, since it's partly a rhythm game.
smokey in da house with bass
g is the dopest lyricist
Mmmmmmmmmmm the juice
haha SHIT you werent supposed to hear this!
Damn, sick flow - really suited the beat!
Didn't get some of the references, but really enjoyed the rhymes.
Also reminded me of Eminem and Lecrae at times.
Typically I don't like explaining bars because I think a verse should stand for itself, but I suppose I can explain if you're curious. The guy I'm battling took the champion title from his opponent when his son ended up in the hospital and wasn't able to compete and he refused to give an extension. He's also a poker champion and is among the most loud-mouthed people in the little rap group I battled him on. Most everything else is self-explanatory I think.
Funny that you mention Eminem, since the beat is actually an instrumental of Bitch Please.
I've loved this for a while now, everything is just so perfect!
Love it, it took me a couple of listens to get the beat you were going for.
Lyrics are great. Flow isn't the best, but you did well with the syncopated beat/alternating signatures.
Recording is a little poor, but it doesn't effect the quality too much.
Keep at it, you have talent!
P.S I hear 'timeless rhymes' instead of 'timeless verses' in the second last line
Yeah, I know my flow isn't great - I've been writing bars for several months but the amount of actual recording I've done is practically nonexistent. Thankfully I think it has more to do with lack of experience than with this particular beat.
I agree wholeheartedly with recording quality - after spitting my verse (in Audacity, lol) I probably spent about an hour dawdling with compression and EQ like a drool monkey, not really understanding what the point was of the different curves/ratios. Also I make no guarantees that the provided lyrics will be identical to the recording. :P
The chorus is so... wholesome ._.
An orchestra fits this SO well
Best song/10 ;)
<3
L> next song to orchestrate
Impeccable.
Make moar! :D
Impressive.
A well-thought and executed piece. BRAVO! 10/10, 5/5
Age 29, Male
Joined on 12/11/07
At Arm's Length 
Angel's Anthem 
The Shamaniac - SpaceD Ft. Smokey D 
The Shamaniac - Shin Bone 
Kwing vs Pierre 
A Tiny Spaceship's Final Mission 
Irregular Rap 
Grey Meat Orchestra 